Balance is a verb, not a destination

In the world of adult self-improvement, a lot is written about balance. There is the most common type of “how to achieve a work/life balance.” Also popular, especially in the world of parenting are, “how to balance your own needs vs. the needs of others” and “don’t sacrifice your own care in order to care for others.” The oxygen mask analogy - that of put your own oxygen mask on before your child’s - is a good example of the latter. It is easy for us to intellectually place our professional responsibilities and personal responsibilities and desires on two ends of a spectrum and throughout our days (and throughout our lives) inspecting the scale to see which side is weighing heavier. However, constantly inspecting each side of the scale inevitably creates, or at the very least, increases stress. It implies that there is a goal to balance - a state of being in which both needs are equally met at exactly the same time and that such a state of being can last (and should last) forever. You may find yourself equally balanced a few times here and there but if that is always the goal, you will miss out on being present at work, or with friends, or with your children, believing that you should be balancing out the other side of the scale. This is a perpetual and elusive quest.

What I believe we are looking for is a desire to feel present, whole and connected to the activity in which we are engaged. The moment we start to feel discomfort, unease, doubt (basically any “bad” feeling) while we are doing activity A, we suspect that going in direction Z (the opposite side of the scale) is the remedy, or perhaps even the cure. Thus, perpetually the grass is greener on the other side. In parenting, it may be that we are playing a game with our kids and we get bored (it does happen) and soon we are thinking that going back to work full time may be the answer after all. Or, while we are sitting at work (it might be upstairs or downstairs in the current COVID-19 times) we see a family walk by - young child on mom’s shoulders, grinning from ear-to-ear - and we instantly regret the decision we made 6 months ago to return to work. Our minds may then go down a path of exploring other options - maybe I just need to find a part-time job or, maybe I need to take a day off with my kids. That’s it! I just need to improve my work/life balance! While these options may be worthwhile to consider and explore, we skip important steps in between. What if when we get bored with our kids playing a game, we acknowledge to ourselves that we feel boredom. Hello, boredom. Then we just sit with feeling bored (and maybe move your pawn 5 spaces). We may even reassure ourselves that in all likelihood, the feeling of being bored won’t last forever and no one has actually ever died of boredom. And continue to note thoughts about fixing the situation as they arise (yes, this is mindfulness) by perhaps just saying, “noted” to yourself. And maybe offering a “thank you” to the thought as it comes but not needing to buy it - kind of like a door-to-door salesperson. This is the act of balancing. 

When we view balance as a verb, we begin to recognize that there are times when work, and work alone, takes precedence. The fear that presents itself is that if we prioritize work, then we are undervaluing family. What if that were not true? What if we allowed ourselves to see the idea of balancing more broadly as a continuous flow of giving and taking according to the needs of the moment? After all, the joy of riding a seesaw is going up and down, up and down. Certainly, it requires us to pay more attention our own internal needs, the needs of the moment and the needs of others around us arriving at a decision based in the present moment. But in the long run, it leaves us feeling less exhausted from the striving toward the goal of balance and living the balancing. 

Related resources:

Article by John Thiel about an interview with Ellen Langer talking about work/life integration.

Coping with Grief

Grief comes in many forms. We often think grieving - a response to loss that may involve cognitive, emotional, physical, behavioral, spiritual and relational aspects - as limited to an experience when a loved one dies. However, we may grieve any loss including residential losses (a move), job losses or transitions or friendship losses or changes. Coping with grief comes in adaptive and maladaptive forms and ranges from “easy” to “hard.” Learning coping resources allows us to gradually adjust to life that has suddenly become significantly different than before.

Maladaptive forms of coping are those that feel may good in the moment but later cause more pain and move us “backward” in the grieving process. Such forms may increase stress and anxiety or depression over time. These may be behaviors such as overuse or abuse of substances, gambling, self-harm, overeating, avoiding emotions or even denying them. Adaptive forms may feel less good in the moment but serve to alleviate pain over time. Adaptive coping is key in adapting to the loss we have experienced. There is a level of acceptance of the loss in adaptive coping. The sooner we accept a loss - not necessarily liking it or agreeing with it - the sooner we can adapt to a new way of living. This eventually becomes our “normal” (but even our “normal” changes in every moment).

“Easy” forms are like watching TV, going on the internet, scrolling through media - social and news - eating junk food - easy forms of entertainment that distract but also numb. Sometimes these are very necessary in order to not have the pain of grief completely take over. Don’t judge yourself for using these strategies, just be aware of their purpose - they are temporary. Easy forms of coping can get us through extremely painful moments that we simply cannot face otherwise. It is OK to use these forms of coping on a limited basis but it will not lead to adaptation and acceptance to only rely on these forms.

“Hard” forms may be activities like going for a walk, napping (essentially restoring energy but not sleeping so long that you are “numbing” the pain), calling friends or supportive family members and asking for help or just to chat, writing poetry, journaling, creating art or music. These are forms that help EXPRESS the emotion rather than ignoring it or covering it up. These are harder because it can get us closer to what we are feeling - sadness, anger, fear - emotions that generally speaking are not ones we seek out. But! This is where the healing really happens. So, in the midst of choosing easy or hard, it can be helpful to remember that with each “hard” coping strategy, we ultimately will get closer to integrating the loss in our lives. It does not mean we won’t ever feel sad again, it is just that we can incorporate being sad about this loss as a part of our lives.

As we integrate the loss in our lives, accepting that our loved one or our previously loved aspect of our lives is no longer present in the way we are accustomed to, we grow from the loss. The pain that can feel unbearable at times, subsides and we can welcome in more and more joy and happiness.

31 Days of Mindful Parenting: Day 17

Not only what they he or she is saying, but also the actual sound of the voice. Has it changed since the time when she was little? Does it sound irritated? Hopeful? Worried? Happy? Without intervening, just notice the sound of his voice.