Enabling your teenager: Are you doing too much?

As a parent, it's natural to want to support and protect your teenager. However, there's a fine line between providing necessary support and enabling behaviors that can hinder their development. Enabling occurs when parents consistently intervene in ways that prevent their children from experiencing the natural consequences of their actions, thereby undermining their ability to develop essential life skills and independence. 

How can you tell whether you are “supporting” or “enabling”? Here are a few signs:

You know they can do it, but you help anyway. When you help your teens with responsibilities you’ve actually seen them do on their own, that’s a red flag. Certainly your role as a parent means that you’ll teach your kids how to do the laundry, clean a sink, and build a resume, but when they’ve learned it, it’s time for them to start doing it.  

You’re making excuses. If you find yourself regularly justifying or rationalizing your teenager's actions, you may inadvertently reinforce negative behaviors and prevent them from taking responsibility for their decisions. Making excuses is often accompanied by failing to establish clear rules and expectations. Accountability and skill with drawing boundaries is crucial for personal growth for both adults and teenagers!

You “help” because “it’s just easier.” It is so tempting to pick up the trail of laundry your teenager leaves behind en route through the house. It is also tempting to schedule appointments or communicate with teachers on behalf of your teenager “to be sure it gets done.” But when you take on tasks to make things easier for you, you are depriving your child of the opportunity to develop vital skills. Over time, this can lead to a lack of confidence and low self-reliance, making it difficult for a child to navigate challenges independently.

You paint a perfect picture. Enabling can also manifest as overprotecting your child from failure or disappointment. While it's understandable to want to shield your teenager from pain by making things sound and feel better than they actually are, preventing your teen from experiencing setbacks can be detrimental. Failure is a crucial part of learning and growth, and it teaches valuable lessons about resilience and perseverance. By not allowing your child to face challenges and learn from mistakes, you may inadvertently contribute to increased anxiety and decreased self-confidence in the long run.

To break out of a pattern of enabling, try starting with a few small steps, such as delegating an entire “line of work” to your teen that is unlikely to require your intervention. Taking care of a pet is a good example. Remember, your teen wants to be independent, even if it might not always seem that way. And you want that, too! Lean on support from friends outside the family so they can cheer you on and help you through the rough patches.