Coping with Grief

Grief comes in many forms. We often think grieving - a response to loss that may involve cognitive, emotional, physical, behavioral, spiritual and relational aspects - as limited to an experience when a loved one dies. However, we may grieve any loss including residential losses (a move), job losses or transitions or friendship losses or changes. Coping with grief comes in adaptive and maladaptive forms and ranges from “easy” to “hard.” Learning coping resources allows us to gradually adjust to life that has suddenly become significantly different than before.

Maladaptive forms of coping are those that feel may good in the moment but later cause more pain and move us “backward” in the grieving process. Such forms may increase stress and anxiety or depression over time. These may be behaviors such as overuse or abuse of substances, gambling, self-harm, overeating, avoiding emotions or even denying them. Adaptive forms may feel less good in the moment but serve to alleviate pain over time. Adaptive coping is key in adapting to the loss we have experienced. There is a level of acceptance of the loss in adaptive coping. The sooner we accept a loss - not necessarily liking it or agreeing with it - the sooner we can adapt to a new way of living. This eventually becomes our “normal” (but even our “normal” changes in every moment).

“Easy” forms are like watching TV, going on the internet, scrolling through media - social and news - eating junk food - easy forms of entertainment that distract but also numb. Sometimes these are very necessary in order to not have the pain of grief completely take over. Don’t judge yourself for using these strategies, just be aware of their purpose - they are temporary. Easy forms of coping can get us through extremely painful moments that we simply cannot face otherwise. It is OK to use these forms of coping on a limited basis but it will not lead to adaptation and acceptance to only rely on these forms.

“Hard” forms may be activities like going for a walk, napping (essentially restoring energy but not sleeping so long that you are “numbing” the pain), calling friends or supportive family members and asking for help or just to chat, writing poetry, journaling, creating art or music. These are forms that help EXPRESS the emotion rather than ignoring it or covering it up. These are harder because it can get us closer to what we are feeling - sadness, anger, fear - emotions that generally speaking are not ones we seek out. But! This is where the healing really happens. So, in the midst of choosing easy or hard, it can be helpful to remember that with each “hard” coping strategy, we ultimately will get closer to integrating the loss in our lives. It does not mean we won’t ever feel sad again, it is just that we can incorporate being sad about this loss as a part of our lives.

As we integrate the loss in our lives, accepting that our loved one or our previously loved aspect of our lives is no longer present in the way we are accustomed to, we grow from the loss. The pain that can feel unbearable at times, subsides and we can welcome in more and more joy and happiness.