31 Days of Mindful Parenting: Day 13

Sometimes we have to simply be. The fear is that nothing will get done but inevitably, life moves forward. Even if you just pause for 30 seconds and do nothing, what does happen?

31 Days of Mindful Parenting: Day 9

To explain this a bit further, often we put ourselves in the way of distractions so that we do not have to tolerate something (a feeling or a task) difficult. We can get away with this only so much. Eventually, if we don’t do the task or feel the feeling, it becomes bigger and even harder. Social media is an example of a nested distraction - we may initially get on it to distract ourselves from work. Then we read an article that makes us feel discouraged and we distract ourselves from that by going to a funny video. Then, that funny video reminds us of a book we need to buy for our child…you get the point. There are thousands of distractions in our day. When we are in a mindful state of awareness, we can notice them, stay with the present task or emotion and process or do what really needs to be done. This list provides some ideas of what to pay attention to with regard to what may be distracting.

31 Days of Mindful Parenting: Day 7

You may later want to investigate what those physical sensations mean (e.g., I must be nervous about something, I’m tensing up, why did i get excited about that?) but first try to just notice them without applying meaning. It can help place a “pause” between the actual experiencing of the sensation and the thought or label we attribute to it.

31 Days of Mindful Parenting: Day 6

Some examples may be starting the car, the sound of a child calling your name, walking into your car, walking into your house, logging into email, etc. Each time you engage in this activity, imagine that it is a mindfulness bell ringing that invites you to stay present - with each step, each bite or each movement.

31 Days of Mindful Parenting: Day 5

When we are being judgmental, we are critical of small things, finding fault with another person or group of people, situation or idea someone has. This is different from making judgments or decisions. (For additional reading, see here). Not judging oneself or others is not easy. However, bringing awareness to judgment itself allows us to recognize just how often we do it. Judging often comes with name calling (e.g., “I’m such a fool for forgetting this!” “My child is so messy.” or “Sally’s mother is really nailing this pandemic parenting thing.” (Sorry - no one is excelling in the area of pandemic parenting). So, when you catch yourself judging (start with yourself, you may notice it more often), pause…and then see if you can just describe what is happening without judgment. For example, instead of “I’m so forgetful!” try “An appointment was missed and needs to be rescheduled. Forgetfulness happens.” It may make it a little easier to remember that you’re human.

31 Days of Mindful Parenting: Day 4

Viktor Frankl was a Holocaust survivor, an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist. Through practicing mindfulness, we more easily find the space, or the pause, between each stimulus that presents itself throughout the day. We are surrounded by tens of thousands of stimuli throughout the day so this quote is not meant to make you feel bad that for most of those stimuli you will react instead of respond. Rather, it is meant to encourage us all to see if we can “catch” the pause in between, so that we may be able to choose a response that feels authentic to us, our values and to the moment.

31 Days of Mindful Parenting - Breathe

Breathing is at the center of mindfulness for several reasons. First, it is always with you - a readily available anchor for which you don’t have to search. Second, it is centered in the body, which helps us become centered, or grounded. Third, it can shift an emotional state you’re in within seconds. It really is that useful. You can read more here.

For more resources on breathing:

A 5-minutes “breather” (mindful.org)

Article on Lifehack

And some good ideas for kids

Also, for children, The Breathing Book by Christopher Willard, PsyD is a beautiful interactive book about breathing

Sleep is also crucial to maintaining physical and emotional health. A great resource can be found here.

31 Days of Mindful Parenting

This month, I will be providing a daily post about how to incorporate some mindfulness in your day as a parent. The COVID-19 pandemic is perhaps one of the most difficult experiences many of us have dealt with in our lives and staying connected with ourselves and each other will help us navigate each of our own paths.

Day 1: Beginner’s Mind

In the world of mindfulness, the concept of beginner’s mind is a cornerstone to the practice. It involves seeing a situation - or a person - with openness, no judgment, no expectations. When looking with beginner’s mind eyes, one sees with no preconceived notions, just fresh eyes. So today, the task is to see your child (choose one if you have more than one child - we will do this at other times this month), as if you were meeting your child for the first time - not as an infant (unless your child is an infant!), but just as he or she is in that moment. What do you notice first? What feelings do you notice within you? What is your child’s essence in that moment?

Racial Justice Resources - Places to Start

As we all navigate the path of our own racial biases, moving toward greater and greater levels of racial justice with the goal being peace and justice for all humans, I am finding the following resources helpful.

For parents and adults

This is an interview with Emma Redden, an educator and activist in Vermont who works with children and adults on educating about racial injustice. In it, she shares how adults can talk to young children about events that involve police brutality or conflict between individuals of different races.

This video explained systemic racism and implicit bias simply (these are quite complex issues) to get a basic idea of how racial injustice has a long history.

Jay Smooth speaks about how having conversations about racism can be difficult, nonetheless very important. His brilliant analogy of dental hygiene has stuck with me for many years.

Authors of note: Rachel Cargle (rachelcargle.com), Layla F. Saad (Me and White Supremacy), Ibram X. Kendi (How to Be an Anti-Racist), Robin DiAngelo (White Fragility), Austin Channing Brown (I’m Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness), Ijeoma Oluo (So You Want To Talk About Race) and Michelle Alexander (The New Jim Crow).

Tara Brach has numerous excellent resources.

For children

The Conscious Kid is a phenomenal resource. I recommend consulting it on a regular basis. Here is a beautiful page with many children’s books written by Black authors for young children and teens. In addition, here are books that encourage and support race conversations.

For all

I believe that many conflicts (all?) emerge from two people who are not deeply listening to one another. Deeply listening means tuning into the other and hearing what she is truly saying, not what we are “listening for.” It requires asking questions for clarification, being mindful of our own perspective so it does not cloud the truth of what is being shared, and being aware of how we are responding internally. It seems that this form of listening is becoming more and more rare and difficult, yet more and more necessary. Some books that are about listening:

The Other Way to Listen by Byrd Baylor

Listen, Listen by Phillis Gershator and Alison Jay

How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld

Coping with COVID-19 - Resources

The following are resources that I will continue to update over time. Please email me if you have requests for certain resources you are seeking.

General for All

A very comprehensive list of resources from the Developing Child at Harvard.

Resources from the National Association of School Psychologists

American Psychological Association’s list of resources particular to parents and caregivers

North Carolina Resources

North Carolina Psychology Association has compiled a number of excellent videos and resources that hare helpful for the entire family. They may be accessed here.

Local

Orange County Health Department COVID-19 resources

Town of Hillsborough COVID-19 resources

Orange County Library

Specific to kids and teens with anxiety and ADHD

GoZen! Is a useful resource during all times but this blog post is helpful especially for youth with anxiety

CHADD has helpful guidance

Mindfulness resources

The Greater Good Science Center is always a good resource for well-being including mindfulness work

Good article about mindfulness during COVID-19

From Mindful.org

Susan Kaiser Greenland always offers excellent resources for children and families around mindfulness.

Stay healthy and take good care.

Reframe anxiety around screens

Recently, I was interviewed by the awesome non-profit organization, START (Stand Together And Rethink Technology) about how anxiety, values and screens are intertwined. Each has importance and benefit in our lives but when they become entangled, we can end up with regret and possibly even more anxiety. Thank you, START for helping us all with a more intentional approach to using screens. Which during COVID-19, may mean loosening some boundaries and expectations.

Read blog post here

Is now a good time to teach my children mindfulness?

Yes and no.

The tools to teach children and adolescents mindfulness continue to proliferate across all forms of media. For the most part, this is positive, helpful and encouraging. The literature is steeped in the benefits of mindfulness and it is beautiful to see so many youth learning more about presence, awareness of their internal states, curiosity and self-compassion. But, during this time in our world, one of the first ways to practice mindfulness, if you haven’t been doing so already, is to mindfully consider if now is the time to purchase a book, toolkit or online course. Ask yourself:

• What is my intention in taking this step?

• How do I already practice mindfulness or meditation on a regular basis? Is my modeling of this sufficient during this time?

• What is the time investment necessary and might this add one more thing to my to-do list? (It shouldn’t).

While there are messages getting communicated via social media, schools and/or neighbors that this is a grand opportunity to rack up some parenting points by taking on new projects with our kids, don’t necessarily add teaching mindfulness to the list. Do add practicing mindfulness yourself (as a parent) to the list and let it trickle down, so to speak, to your kids, because it will. Our children know when we are trying to convince them that something (like mindfulness, or eating a healthy snack instead of candy) is good for them and therefore they should learn about it (believe me, I’ve tried!). More often than not, it backfires. Of course model healthy choices and offer them, but don’t try to convince your children that they should do it because it is good for them.

Teaching mindfulness begins with being mindful. And some may even say that is enough. Connection through moments of presence and awareness is being mindful. As your child is working on her school work, stating, ‘I notice how you stuck with that challenging problem.” can be practicing mindfulness. At dinner, reflecting that you noticed how your teen seemed reluctant to get on the whole class zoom meetings and that you understand how difficult all of this is, indicates awareness and presence. Or, when you as a parent are exasperated that yet again you are having to referee a sibling squabble, you state clearly your frustration and how it makes you feel and that you need some time to take a breather, models internal awareness and self-compassion. Additionally, lie in the grass and stare at the clouds, inviting your child to do the same. Smell each of the ingredients as you cook, close your eyes when you take the first bite of a cookie, and certainly stop and listen to the bevy of birds we are all suddenly aware of. These are authentic moments of mindfulness that allow for and maintain connection. And how do you get in a state of noticing these details in your children’s lives and your own life? By being mindful. And, best of all, it’s free.

Time for Tea

It is OK to sigh, or scream, and/or cry. The situation many of us find ourselves in – juggling competing priorities on an hourly basis interrupted by fear, gratitude and grief is not what we are used to. It is incredibly hard, unreasonable and next to impossible. But, it is what we are all experiencing and it is the way of our lives presently. To deny what we are experiencing can make matters worse. It ends up making us feel as if we are incapable of handling crisis moments or that how we are doing it does not measure up to some imaginary ruler. Pretending like we are holding it all together does not honor the struggle we each are in – no matter what it looks like. So, now is the time to feel it all. As Rumi reminds us, invite these feelings in, welcoming them as if they were a friend. The more we open to the feeling of overwhelm, the less overwhelmed we feel. The more we make space for the meltdown our child is having, the more compassion we feel for ourselves as we are melting down inside. And, the more we welcome the gratitude we have for health and our family connections, the more deeply we feel these positive feelings, making the memory of them closer.

Imagine that you are inviting these feelings for tea. If you aren’t a tea drinker, not a problem. (We all are drinking something these days!) Just imagine that you are inviting them in for whatever you may have to drink – something that you will savor. Then, take the time to feel whatever it is you are experiencing.  If you’re angry, you can feel the anger - have compassion for yourself for the strain you are under that may result in anger. All feelings are truly welcome, even when it seems like they shouldn’t be. During this time, ride the roller coaster of all of the emotions, taking very good care of yourself. This will allow you to be able to take very good care of your children when they are riding the roller coaster. In case you are unfamiliar with The Guest House, here it is. 

The Guest House by Rumi

This being human is a guest house. 

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

 Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweet your house

empty of its furniture, 

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing, 

and invite them in.

 Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond. 

Engage to disengage

Our children’s attention is often glued to a device. Detaching their attention can feel difficult at the least and impossible at the most - sometimes causing us, as parents, to become unglued! Nonetheless on many occasions we do actually need to have our children transition from the device, the book or the toy to other life activities such as going to bed, going to school or coming to dinner.

During these transitions, it is important to remember that as far as our children’s attention is concerned, we are the dullest thing in the room. Given everything we know (watch this) about the apparent magnetic force field that surrounds what is on the device, our asking children to go from the squishy makeover to brushing their teeth is akin to asking a gambler to stop mid-way through their time at the slot machine and take what money they have left and go put it in a savings account. Wise - yes. Dopamine-inducing - hardly.

Parents will likely always be less appealing to children because we are, well, parents. That said, we increase our chances of shifting our children’s attention when we actually engage with them. Saying “time to get off the iPad! Dinner’s on the table” from afar is not engagement. Sitting next to them and asking “what’s going on there?” or “what would you have done for this craft?” (the possibilities are endless) will increase your engagement with your child and thus, allow for more disengagement from the device. (I will admit to some sarcastic comments such as “oh my, that slime must be impossible to get out of the carpet!” in order to promote disengagement but it usually works better if you truly invest yourself in their interest).

Engagement with our children is not just a useful strategy, it is also a building block to the foundation of our relationship with our children. The more you engage, the more your children will feel that you want to know who they are as individuals, which benefits everyone. This is the super glue that matters most.

Guidance on screen time

The American Academy of Pediatrics has recently announced new guidance on screen time for children. They have an excellent tool now to help families customize their own media plan. I also wrote a post on communicating your own screen time habits - the good and the bad - to your children.