31 Days of Mindful Parenting - Breathe
Breathing is at the center of mindfulness for several reasons. First, it is always with you - a readily available anchor for which you don’t have to search. Second, it is centered in the body, which helps us become centered, or grounded. Third, it can shift an emotional state you’re in within seconds. It really is that useful. You can read more here.
For more resources on breathing:
A 5-minutes “breather” (mindful.org)
Article on Lifehack
And some good ideas for kids
Also, for children, The Breathing Book by Christopher Willard, PsyD is a beautiful interactive book about breathing
Sleep is also crucial to maintaining physical and emotional health. A great resource can be found here.
31 Days of Mindful Parenting
This month, I will be providing a daily post about how to incorporate some mindfulness in your day as a parent. The COVID-19 pandemic is perhaps one of the most difficult experiences many of us have dealt with in our lives and staying connected with ourselves and each other will help us navigate each of our own paths.
Day 1: Beginner’s Mind
In the world of mindfulness, the concept of beginner’s mind is a cornerstone to the practice. It involves seeing a situation - or a person - with openness, no judgment, no expectations. When looking with beginner’s mind eyes, one sees with no preconceived notions, just fresh eyes. So today, the task is to see your child (choose one if you have more than one child - we will do this at other times this month), as if you were meeting your child for the first time - not as an infant (unless your child is an infant!), but just as he or she is in that moment. What do you notice first? What feelings do you notice within you? What is your child’s essence in that moment?
Racial Justice Resources - Places to Start
As we all navigate the path of our own racial biases, moving toward greater and greater levels of racial justice with the goal being peace and justice for all humans, I am finding the following resources helpful.
For parents and adults
This is an interview with Emma Redden, an educator and activist in Vermont who works with children and adults on educating about racial injustice. In it, she shares how adults can talk to young children about events that involve police brutality or conflict between individuals of different races.
This video explained systemic racism and implicit bias simply (these are quite complex issues) to get a basic idea of how racial injustice has a long history.
Jay Smooth speaks about how having conversations about racism can be difficult, nonetheless very important. His brilliant analogy of dental hygiene has stuck with me for many years.
Authors of note: Rachel Cargle (rachelcargle.com), Layla F. Saad (Me and White Supremacy), Ibram X. Kendi (How to Be an Anti-Racist), Robin DiAngelo (White Fragility), Austin Channing Brown (I’m Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness), Ijeoma Oluo (So You Want To Talk About Race) and Michelle Alexander (The New Jim Crow).
Tara Brach has numerous excellent resources.
For children
The Conscious Kid is a phenomenal resource. I recommend consulting it on a regular basis. Here is a beautiful page with many children’s books written by Black authors for young children and teens. In addition, here are books that encourage and support race conversations.
For all
I believe that many conflicts (all?) emerge from two people who are not deeply listening to one another. Deeply listening means tuning into the other and hearing what she is truly saying, not what we are “listening for.” It requires asking questions for clarification, being mindful of our own perspective so it does not cloud the truth of what is being shared, and being aware of how we are responding internally. It seems that this form of listening is becoming more and more rare and difficult, yet more and more necessary. Some books that are about listening:
The Other Way to Listen by Byrd Baylor
Listen, Listen by Phillis Gershator and Alison Jay
How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld
Coping with COVID-19 - Resources
The following are resources that I will continue to update over time. Please email me if you have requests for certain resources you are seeking.
General for All
A very comprehensive list of resources from the Developing Child at Harvard.
Resources from the National Association of School Psychologists
American Psychological Association’s list of resources particular to parents and caregivers
North Carolina Resources
North Carolina Psychology Association has compiled a number of excellent videos and resources that hare helpful for the entire family. They may be accessed here.
Local
Orange County Health Department COVID-19 resources
Town of Hillsborough COVID-19 resources
Specific to kids and teens with anxiety and ADHD
GoZen! Is a useful resource during all times but this blog post is helpful especially for youth with anxiety
CHADD has helpful guidance
Mindfulness resources
The Greater Good Science Center is always a good resource for well-being including mindfulness work
Good article about mindfulness during COVID-19
Susan Kaiser Greenland always offers excellent resources for children and families around mindfulness.
Stay healthy and take good care.
Reframe anxiety around screens
Recently, I was interviewed by the awesome non-profit organization, START (Stand Together And Rethink Technology) about how anxiety, values and screens are intertwined. Each has importance and benefit in our lives but when they become entangled, we can end up with regret and possibly even more anxiety. Thank you, START for helping us all with a more intentional approach to using screens. Which during COVID-19, may mean loosening some boundaries and expectations.
Read blog post here
Is now a good time to teach my children mindfulness?
Yes and no.
The tools to teach children and adolescents mindfulness continue to proliferate across all forms of media. For the most part, this is positive, helpful and encouraging. The literature is steeped in the benefits of mindfulness and it is beautiful to see so many youth learning more about presence, awareness of their internal states, curiosity and self-compassion. But, during this time in our world, one of the first ways to practice mindfulness, if you haven’t been doing so already, is to mindfully consider if now is the time to purchase a book, toolkit or online course. Ask yourself:
What is my intention in taking this step?
How do I already practice mindfulness or meditation on a regular basis? Is my modeling of this sufficient during this time?
What is the time investment necessary and might this add one more thing to my to-do list? (It shouldn’t).
While there are messages getting communicated via social media, schools and/or neighbors that this is a grand opportunity to rack up some parenting points by taking on new projects with our kids, don’t necessarily add teaching mindfulness to the list. Do add practicing mindfulness yourself (as a parent) to the list and let it trickle down, so to speak, to your kids, because it will. Our children know when we are trying to convince them that something (like mindfulness, or eating a healthy snack instead of candy) is good for them and therefore they should learn about it (believe me, I’ve tried!). More often than not, it backfires. Of course model healthy choices and offer them, but don’t try to convince your children that they should do it because it is good for them.
Teaching mindfulness begins with being mindful. And some may even say that is enough. Connection through moments of presence and awareness is being mindful. As your child is working on her school work, stating, ‘I notice how you stuck with that challenging problem.” can be practicing mindfulness. At dinner, reflecting that you noticed how your teen seemed reluctant to get on the whole class zoom meetings and that you understand how difficult all of this is, indicates awareness and presence. Or, when you as a parent are exasperated that yet again you are having to referee a sibling squabble, you state clearly your frustration and how it makes you feel and that you need some time to take a breather, models internal awareness and self-compassion. Additionally, lie in the grass and stare at the clouds, inviting your child to do the same. Smell each of the ingredients as you cook, close your eyes when you take the first bite of a cookie, and certainly stop and listen to the bevy of birds we are all suddenly aware of. These are authentic moments of mindfulness that allow for and maintain connection. And how do you get in a state of noticing these details in your children’s lives and your own life? By being mindful. And, best of all, it’s free.
Time for Tea
Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
It is OK to sigh, or scream, and/or cry. The situation many of us find ourselves in – juggling competing priorities on an hourly basis interrupted by fear, gratitude and grief is not what we are used to. It is incredibly hard, unreasonable and next to impossible. But, it is what we are all experiencing and it is the way of our lives presently. To deny what we are experiencing can make matters worse. It ends up making us feel as if we are incapable of handling crisis moments or that how we are doing it does not measure up to some imaginary ruler. Pretending like we are holding it all together does not honor the struggle we each are in – no matter what it looks like. So, now is the time to feel it all. As Rumi reminds us, invite these feelings in, welcoming them as if they were a friend. The more we open to the feeling of overwhelm, the less overwhelmed we feel. The more we make space for the meltdown our child is having, the more compassion we feel for ourselves as we are melting down inside. And, the more we welcome the gratitude we have for health and our family connections, the more deeply we feel these positive feelings, making the memory of them closer.
Imagine that you are inviting these feelings for tea. If you aren’t a tea drinker, not a problem. (We all are drinking something these days!) Just imagine that you are inviting them in for whatever you may have to drink – something that you will savor. Then, take the time to feel whatever it is you are experiencing. If you’re angry, you can feel the anger - have compassion for yourself for the strain you are under that may result in anger. All feelings are truly welcome, even when it seems like they shouldn’t be. During this time, ride the roller coaster of all of the emotions, taking very good care of yourself. This will allow you to be able to take very good care of your children when they are riding the roller coaster. In case you are unfamiliar with The Guest House, here it is.
The Guest House by Rumi
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweet your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Engage to disengage
Our children’s attention is often glued to a device. Detaching their attention can feel difficult at the least and impossible at the most - sometimes causing us, as parents, to become unglued! Nonetheless on many occasions we do actually need to have our children transition from the device, the book or the toy to other life activities such as going to bed, going to school or coming to dinner.
During these transitions, it is important to remember that as far as our children’s attention is concerned, we are the dullest thing in the room. Given everything we know (watch this) about the apparent magnetic force field that surrounds what is on the device, our asking children to go from the squishy makeover to brushing their teeth is akin to asking a gambler to stop mid-way through their time at the slot machine and take what money they have left and go put it in a savings account. Wise - yes. Dopamine-inducing - hardly.
Parents will likely always be less appealing to children because we are, well, parents. That said, we increase our chances of shifting our children’s attention when we actually engage with them. Saying “time to get off the iPad! Dinner’s on the table” from afar is not engagement. Sitting next to them and asking “what’s going on there?” or “what would you have done for this craft?” (the possibilities are endless) will increase your engagement with your child and thus, allow for more disengagement from the device. (I will admit to some sarcastic comments such as “oh my, that slime must be impossible to get out of the carpet!” in order to promote disengagement but it usually works better if you truly invest yourself in their interest).
Engagement with our children is not just a useful strategy, it is also a building block to the foundation of our relationship with our children. The more you engage, the more your children will feel that you want to know who they are as individuals, which benefits everyone. This is the super glue that matters most.
Guidance on screen time
A new ending can also be written
Children’s fears don’t have to be ghostly!
Children's fears often emerge at inopportune times - like when they (and you) want to go to sleep. First, this is very normal. This site provides several useful suggestions for helping young children cope with their fears. For some children who are old enough and are able to articulate their fears, talking about them, even before bedtime can help. Children may resist ("I don't want to talk about it!") but encouraging them that when they say their fears out loud, the process actually helps get the scary parts out in the open! Once they are able to share what they are scared of, help them talk through a different ending. Frightened a ghost is going to crawl out from under the bed? Ask your child what the ghost looks like, what its name is, where he lives, does he like cheese pizza? Maybe ask him to sit and stay a while. Often as parents we fear that feeding a fear will make it bigger. More often, however, just by acknowledging its presence and getting curious about it, we actually make it smaller. Creating new endings to scary stories with love, validation and reassurance can make those ghosts disappear.
If you would like to learn more about my therapy services for children and adolescents, click here.
A new beginning is always possible
“Nature is infinitely creative. It is always producing the possibility of new beginnings. ”
Living mindfully this weekend: Children's junk drawers
Ahhhh, junk drawers. I love junk drawers. They speak volumes about people and are a treasured, and ubiquitous place of storage in houses. This weekend find a junk drawer, ideally your child's but it could be one in the kitchen or your desk. See if you feel differently about the junk that the drawer holds after paying attention to it for a while.
Validate, validate, validate.
Children feel many emotions, just like adults. But for some children, talking about their emotions is a bit like nailing jello to the wall. They don't have the language or the experience of feeling the emotion thousands of times to know that it even is a feeling as opposed to something that has taken over them. Try to reach back to when you were a child (try younger than 8ish) and remember when something went wrong, a friend hurt your feelings or an embarrassing moment happened in school. The feeling likely took up residence throughout your body, tears were shed, sobs were heard and your body may have literally collapsed to the floor. It may have felt like the world as you knew it had dramatically shifted. Hopefully, you had an adult nearby to comfort you, talk you through the distress and recount what had (actually) happened. Slowly, you may have started to feel better and get back into the groove of the next activity. As we get older, we learn through experience and being taught, that emotions come and go. They become more or less abstract and for the most part (with exceptions certainly such as grief, major depression, significant anxiety) do not disrupt our world as we know it.
One of the best ways to teach children about the emotions they are feeling is to validate them. This means, bring awareness to what they are feeling - label it! As parents, we often want to "make it better" or have children "not get so upset." But, like it or not, they do get so upset and it isn't better. Try starting with, "You are feeling _______ and it's OK to feel ________." Even when that feeling is sad, jealous, worried or embarrassed. We also must acknowledge what is hard in us about having our children experience those feelings. Why don't we want our children to feel embarrassed? Why are we worried when our children are worried? It is likely driven by a fear that if they are worried, something else may happen - they'll cope with the worry in some way that is harmful, they'll be so worried they won't try new things or they will start to believe that because feeling sad is OK, they will feel it all the time. Then, who is sad? Certainly children and adolescents experience big emotions that do lead to difficult circumstances for parents and families and it is important to pay attention to those, minimizing impairment and distress. Often big help is needed and relieving. But in the meantime, reflect on your own experience and help your child reflect on theirs.
Living mindfully this weekend: Leaves (part 1)
This is sort of a no-brainer but don't forget to take a look around you this weekend at the leaves before they start to change into brilliant colors. Watch them fall to the ground or just swish in the wind.
YELL (if you have to)! And then, reflect and apologize.
I heartily laughed after seeing this video. There are so many topics these moms raised about how many pressures there are on mothers in particular these days to "get the job done." The list is endless! One topic that was recurrent was that of yelling. This notion has spread like wildfire that "bad mothers" yell. Now, my close friends and family members would not put me in the category of "yeller" but by golly, there are some days when I have full-on yelled at my children. I regret it every time and wish I hadn't done it but at the end of the day, yelling or not, I am human. In my conversations with dear friends, we came to the conclusion that such promotions of not being a yeller only bolstered the guilt felt by nearly every mother each time they started to get angry and their voice notched up on the decibel chart. Getting angry is a very normal human reaction. I applaud parents who strive to not yell (and of course it is never OK to verbally abuse children, yelling or not). I even use some tips to channel the anger in a more adaptable way! But, I also believe in showing my children my humanness and repairing any icky feelings afterwards, also showing the power of kindness and compassion through a sincere apology. Yelling can be scary to children, no doubt about it. But, what is scarier is when those children grow up and feel the urge to yell at their own child (when stress builds as it inevitably does when raising children) and believe something is very wrong with them. When really, they are human too.
Living mindfully this weekend: Your child's hands
When our babies are born, we often stare for long periods of time at their hands. Perhaps we remark on their long fingernails, the delicate fingers or the way their hand wraps around a parent's finger. As children get older, we don't have as many opportunities to just sit and gaze at their hands (and I get that this may not be at the top of your list of things to do with your child, too). This weekend, even if your child is asleep, take 30 seconds to look at his or her hands as you did when they were brand new, or brand new to you. Just try it. You may be surprised at what blooms.
Breathing room
“You are the sky. Everything else is just weather.””
Living mindfully this weekend: Dishes
Typically weekends are times when life slows down a (tiny?) bit and space opens up where being present can feel, dare I say, easier? Perhaps this is completely false, especially for families whose children are actively involved in sports. If so, find a time during the week that is calmer to try this exercise.
"Wash the dishes to wash the dishes," Thich Nhat Hanh writes. Most of the time we wash the dishes in order to have clean plates on which to eat and a clean mug from which we will drink our coffee or tea. But there is another way of engaging in this task and that is to simply wash dishes to wash dishes. The outcome is remarkably the same but the experience is remarkably different.
Breathing begets breathing
The other day I observed children in a preschool class listening with rapt attention to a teacher who was telling a story of a young man from Scotland. The young man and his uncles were competing over who could play the bagpipes the best. As the story goes, the three uncles could not muster enough breath to make the thunderous sound. However, when their young nephew takes his turn, he plays strong and loud. The reason, everyone agreed, was because all during his early life, he had to call so loudly to the sheep and the cows to come home that he had built his lungs to be mighty strong and breathing in deeply was a skill he had honed.
This story reminded me that practice is what is important for helping young children become adolescents who become adults who first breathe before choosing a "wiser" choice over another "less wise" choice. The telling of the story reminded me that it is through practice that we become accustomed to the beautiful option of breathing. Deliberate teaching, intentional teaching and repeated teaching in many forms with many people and with many examples is what it takes. We cannot expect children to simply absorb the manner of deep breathing through osmosis over one time, two times or even a dozen times. It is a daily practice. I am reminding myself of this as much as you, the reader.
